Who are the ghosts that dwell among these ruins?

Shattered Blog (2)

In 15 days, Shattered: Memoirs of an Amnesiac will be hitting the shelves (digitally on several platforms, and in trade – with signed copies available through my publisher)! Finally, on September 12, the full story of my amnesia – as well as the events that led up to my new way of living – will be revealed. For those who are interested, the pre-order link for Kindle is still up on Amazon! Otherwise, the trade and other eBook formats are coming, and the 450-page memoir will hopefully captivate you with the myriad twists and turns it takes.

Before I go on to the excerpt this week, I want to take a moment to thank my publisher for keeping my weekly blog up to date while I was in the hospital. That’s not an easy task, so I appreciate all of the hard work. And I also want to thank all of you for the messages and words of concern. I am home, which is nice, but I’m very ill. Will I live? I don’t know how to answer that question. Some doctors say no. Others say there’s a chance. I’m choosing to believe the latter, and am fighting as hard as I can to stick around. There’s a lot to live for. Despite a traumatic past and some odd circumstances, life isn’t something I want to say goodbye to right now. It’s not time. Therefore, I’ve been receiving treatment at a wonderful cancer center, and when I’m not writing, I’m resting. My newest medical condition – chronic idiopathic thrombocytopenia – isn’t exceptionally common, and I could lose my life to it within a moment. But I’m receiving help and choosing to focus on my work, my friends, and my family. I have to believe that everything will be okay.

But once upon a time, things were not okay. And in today’s Shattered fragment – with only two weeks until the release – I’m sharing something very controversial. There are two mysterious people in my life, and they are people I’ve hinted about before. Their names are Starlight Boy and Ruby. But who are they? To find out for certain, you’ll have to wait for the memoir to be released. In the meantime, here’s a glimpse into something they forced me to witness, as well as take part, in early 2011 – only four months post-amnesia – and how I tried to deal with it. Warning: this does mention a moderately graphic sex scene, but it is very important within the context of the memoir.


Starlight Boy was coming to my house. Despite my dizziness, I focused on my breathing to stay in control of my emotions. I dressed and readied myself. The madness was going to end.

But then he arrived, and the true madness began.

It was almost impossible for me to keep track of what happened when he came over. I was there, alone, when he arrived—I hugged Starlight Boy at the door and ushered him inside, asking him if he wanted something to drink. He mentioned how sexy I looked, and I thanked him, not sure of what else to say.

But then, Ruby came in. I heard her voice behind me as she urged me to let her be with Starlight Boy. She loved him, she told me. I needed to step back.

I did, but I shouldn’t have yielded. Within a flash, it was clear that Ruby was not playing around. She straddled Starlight Boy, rubbed her body against his, and scraped her nails down his arm as he moaned. I knew that she had talked to him about BDSM in the past, but it seemed she had already involved him in the practice. The pain she was causing clearly turned him on. He asked for more. She demanded he remove his clothing, and he listened. And there, in my living room, she bent him over the couch and beat him so badly that he bruised and bled. He wanted it—he kept screaming for her to beat him—but all I could see was the blood seeping onto the floor and the sofa.

But Starlight Boy reached for me after Ruby was finished with him. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me, and I tried to tell him to wait. I was still processing what Ruby had done. But he was too invested in his urges by then.

“Just get off,” Ruby said. “He might love you, but he loves what I give him even more.”

I didn’t know what to do. He had manipulated me in the past, but wasn’t this a further manipulation? Why did I have to be a witness to their mutual undoing?

But I backed off and was motionless, watching as though paralyzed, as she undressed, climbed on top of him, and allowed him to slide inside her. Both moaned, and I screamed. I was infuriated—I had loved him first, as my friend and confidante, and she did not have that right. But a bigger part of me was terrified. I didn’t want to see this. This wasn’t my life. But they moaned and shook and bucked together as Starlight Boy eventually released himself inside her, and she laughed. At one point, I swore I heard her tell him no, but there she was, laughing. There was blood on the couch, semen on her fingers, and clothing on the floor. She was the vessel for his pleasure and my pain.

There had once been actual love in my life, I thought, and Ruby had come in to make a mockery of it.

But it was getting late and he had to go. Starlight Boy and I hugged and said our goodbyes, and as he departed, Ruby simply smirked at him. I closed the door and turned back to the living room.

It was a mess. What had I allowed to happen?

But I didn’t get to answer that question because Ruby pushed me aside, and I watched in horror as she licked the blood that still remained, dark and sticky, on the leather couch.

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(For more excerpts from “Shattered: Memoirs of an Amnesiac,” please check back every Monday at 10 am. And pick up your pre-order for Kindle today right here on Amazon!)

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